Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.