Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.