Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.