I can say that. I have a television show.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.