Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.