Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.