How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?