People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.