People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.