My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.