My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I can say that. I have a television show.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.