My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?