I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.