Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.