I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.