I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.