I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.