I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.