Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.