It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.