No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.