Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.