The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.