I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.