Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.