Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.