I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.