The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!