I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.