Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.