Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.