A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me.