A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.