A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.