I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.