Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.