I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.