I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.