Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.