There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.