There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.