Describe your perfect man who looks like me.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.