Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!