Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.