Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'