Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.