I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?