I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.