They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.
By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.
It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'