I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.