I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.