I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.