Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.