By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.