I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.