I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.