I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.