This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.