This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'