Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.