You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.