You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.