You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?