You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.