I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.