I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.