We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.