We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.