I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.