Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.