Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?