It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.