It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.