High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.