If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?