I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.